The following is a transcript of an interview* with an anonymous introvert who happily agreed to lay to rest many of the misconceptions about introverts…
Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
May I have a cup of tea and a cushion please?
Why don’t you ever want to do anything on the weekend?
Ah the weekend, those precious two days where actual speech and getting dressed become optional.
Why are you so quiet?
Why are you so nosy?
It’s common knowledge that you rarely join in the fun. Why don’t you make more of an effort on nights out?
I’m not sure why you think my existence would benefit from migrating from restaurant to bar to club to shout at strangers about how the DJ is undeniably ‘sick’ and having to wait until everyone else is sufficiently ‘done’ so I can leave lest I be accused of ruining your night by leaving early. I mean, by all means, you do you, and I’ll stay home watching a Tom Hardy film with my slippers on.
Your life is so boring. How do you survive?
Your life is noisy, hectic and filled with needless drama. And yet, here we are.
People will stop inviting you to things because you never want to go. How does that make you feel?
Now, don’t tease me.
Is it true that you spend more time with your pets than you do with your friends?
Yes. Your point being…?
Why do you hate people?
Thank you for slapping that highly nuanced judgement on me. On the contrary, there is a handful of exceptional people in my life who I love very much. I love them for their insights, compassion, and generosity, but mostly because they don’t go out of their way to make me feel like I’ve just run over a hamster if I need to spend time alone.
When they first meet you, a lot of people think you are a snob.
Far from it, I don’t believe I am in any way superior to anyone, although I do adore a selection of top-notch French cheeses. I am simply super-selective as to who I want to spend time with.
You’re going to end up old and alone and that’s terrible.
Sorry, is that a question or…? Ending up old? Well, that seems to be the fate of many people if they avoid getting hit by a bus when they’re younger. As for ending up alone, it’s entirely possible but unlike you, I don’t consider it to be the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is ending up alone with no cats, wifi, or cheesecake *visibly shudders at the thought*.
You should smile more, you always look really grumpy.
I’m not sure how me not crapping sunshine on demand affects your life. No, no need to explain. I’d rather shove a habanero pepper up each nostril.
What do you say to people who think you’re a negative person with little-to-no social skills?
They’ve obviously never seen me at my favourite bookstore conversing enthusiastically with the owner about the Captive Prince trilogy.
If you weren’t being interviewed right now, what would you be doing?
Something that involves cheesecake and sitting.
Thank you for your time today.
No, thank you. It’s been hideous.
*This interview may or may not have actually happened and may or may not be the product of the Editors fevered imagination.